So, I’m just going to admit upfront that I am on my third glass of wine as I write the first draft of this. I’ll probably end up posting it tipsy as well, so here goes. After making myself cry about my life over Pinot Grigio and listening to “Sex” by the 1975 and “Fantasy” by MS MR, I think I need some life reevaluation. So with only a week or so left until 2015, I want to start a working list of new years resolutions.
1. Stop falling for straight girls. It is just painful for all involved parties. It is not their fault for not loving me back, I probably could not love a man the same way, so I get it. Also, I am not inherently flawed because they do not love me back. As cheesy as it fucking is, someone out there is going to love me for exactly who I am. I just might take a bit and I have to be patient.
2. I recently heard Taylor Swift talking in an interview about how she stopped chasing love and put that same energy into her work, friends and family, and it changed her life. Love is not meant to be molded and chased, it just happens. I need to focus on all the amazing things happening in my life. I have come pretty fucking far in that past two years. Not just with sexuality (which has been a major improvement) but in growing up and being more free. I need to appreciate that and expand on it.
3. I want to do more things that scare me. I guess I’ve been having a bit of a quarter-life crisis as my 20th birthday approaches. I know 20 is still veryyyy young but it scares me. I can remember on my 10th birthday not being able to imagine being 20. Likewise I am the same distance from 10 as I am to 30! I want to be able to look back at things I did and say “I least I tried” rather than “What if I did try?” I have had social anxiety for a couple years now and even though I have it mostly under check it sneaks back up. So at least once every two weeks I just want to go for it. I’ll start with:
• March your ass into the LGBT center and sign up for those panels. Talk to some people and make friends here. It will mostly likely change college for the better.
• Grow a vagina and ask Maggie if she is gay or not. She has been sending mixed signals for months. Either she’s gay/bi/queer+ and you ask her the fuck out or she’s not and you hopefully stay friends. If she’s weirded out, that’s on her not you.
• Make that sorority thing happen. Don’t let the fear of possible, yet improbable, issues with your sexuality stop you. If it becomes an issue that is their fault, not yours.
• Stop hesitating when stating your sexuality. If it was about to come out of your mouth during conversation, then it was probably a good time to say it. Its 2015, most people in your age bracket are pretty accepting.
4. TALK LESS, LISTEN MORE. My thoughts are important, but no more or less than someone else’s.
5. Stop changing your personality to fit the person you are talking to. Like what you like and keep your values close.
6. Remember how lucky you are and how wonderful your life truly is.
I want to make I video diary of 2015, my 20th year. Every time I’m having an “infinite moment” (see Perks of Being a Wallflower) I want to take a quick video on my iPhone of what is going on. Once a year’s worth of video is taken, I will compile it and set it to “Talking Dreams” by Echosmith. I think we often forget about all the little moments that contribute to our happiness.
CHEERS TO 2015