I really wish I had written down my feelings when all of this was happening but alas I did not. This post opens during the summer before Senior year of high school. For the past few years I had been shrugging off my feelings of “maybe I’m not completely straight” and just pushing them deep down. I chalked it up to not being very boy-crazy and a bit of late bloomer. (That could be another post in itself) But anyways I was doing what any normal American teenager does on a hot summer night at two in the morning, watching some Netflix.
I had recently become utterly OBSESSED with the show Glee. Like literally unhealthy amounts obsessed. I’m relatively sure I have watched every cast-made video and interview that ever existed. Ironically I’d written Glee off for years as a dumb teenage girl show and refused to watch it. But the Netflix suggestions bar beckoned me and I was on a roll.
I had gotten through the first season and was almost done with the second when I ran into the episode “Sexy”. That stupid little Glee episode changed a lot for me. It was the first episode that delved into the relationship between two best friends on the show. Santana and Brittany.
RECAP: Santana and Brittany have been the shows sorta-antagonists. They were cheerleaders under the evil Sue Sylvester and a big part of the Glee club. Santana is basically a snarky bitch (which is hilarious) and Brittany is a sweet simple-minded dancer. There had been small hints that they were “together” as more than friends throughout the seasons but this is the first episode that the characters addressed it themselves- through song.
Just watch the video:
In that moment, I realized I wanted that. Finn and Rachel, Kurt and Blaine, Quinn and Sam, Tina and Mike. None of their relationships made me feel the way Santana and Brittany did. It was also the first lesbian couple I’d ever seen on screen that wasn’t there for slapstick comedy or male fantasy. It was complex, heartfelt and confusing for them. They brought out the best in each other and believed in each other. It simply felt right to me.
I remember putting my computer at the end of my bed and just laying back, staring at the ceiling. A shed a few tears and felt “oh my god” run through my head over and over. If I was completely straight, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. “This isn’t normal!” I thought, my stomach sinking. I stayed up for another hour just thinking about how I knew I wouldn’t be able to push away the denial anymore. I may have subconsciously always knew it but now it was here, in my immediate thoughts. And I couldn’t go back anymore.
So that was a bit deep. I promise it won’t all be like this! I really am a fun person!!!
XOXO
-E
musingsofafemme 